Where am I now? 50 days later
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
I think I’ve been purposefully sabotaging myself. I’ve already established that I no longer want to sell my time for survival and yet, I go in search of the very thing that brings me misery. I applied to remote jobs, offering to sell my time for money when I know that it is the thing I want to be as far away from as possible.
It’s hard to find my true path when I’m not quite sure what exactly it is I want. I’ve told numerous people different tales of what I think I want but after disconnecting and doing my own thing, I’ve come to the conclusion that I want none of it — except for one thing and that thing is to be happy.
That is the only common theme. A common by product of doing A to produce B.
Some plans were made to prove a point. Some plans were made because it seemed logical and grand. Some plans were made because I had convinced myself that it was what I want.
Last week, I dug up The Alchemist from storage and decided to read it again. The idea of your Personal Legend imprinted on me many years ago when I first chanced upon the book at a local bookstore. In fact, I passed on it the first time round and only got it because the book shop decided to restock it after several months after it disappeared from the shelves.
Some call it destiny, others call it your personal calling. In the Alchemist, Paulo Coelho calls it your Personal Legend and everyone has their own path towards discovering it. In his own words, “ You know you are betraying your personal legend when you’re doing something without enthusiasm”.
Over the past few years, I’ve been betraying my personal legend by staying in a job I grew to hate. The pay was good but each day brought its own special sort of misery. As time passed, that misery intensified.
A part of me is actually glad that I was made redundant and that the company shut down. Another part of me is also glad that the interviews I went to didn’t hire me. In fact, I even got the time wrong for one of them. In the book, the main character, would have called in an omen. I’ve decided to believe that these things are the results of the Universe trying nudge me onto my true path by providing me with opportunities to pursue my Personal Legend.
I don’t believe in God. Just to put it out there. I also don’t believe in some sort of supreme being that is out there to guide me towards some sort of grand destiny that’s written for me. What’s the point of choice if everything is already written.
However, I do believe in myself and that true happiness can be achieved when I am in a properly balanced state physically, emotionally and financially. I disconnected from writing on Medium these past few weeks on purpose because I felt that I was writing for the sake of writing.
So rather than trying to pursue some quick money get rich scheme, I’m just going to go with the flow and aim for balance. I’m going to live in the moment and today rather than constantly freak out about tomorrow or what the coming week may bring.