The Night Before Day 1 — My Life and a Series of Decisions
Today is Friday.
Except it’s not like any typical kind of Friday. It’s the Friday before my final paycheck from a company I’ve been with for the past 5 years.
Everyone told me I would get something new quickly and perhaps I would of, if I had put 100% of myself forward properly. In hindsight, I should have done what my fellow team member did — he took the first week off to re-calibrate.
I, on the other hand, jumped right in without really assessing what it was I truly wanted.
The thing is, I’ve been with this particular company since my fledgling days straight out of University. My time is only coming to an end because the company is shutting down. They’ve made too much of a loss and no longer wanted to sustain the burden of a negative balance sheet.
It can be rather disheartening to find out that your entire professional life’s work is about to go poof.
I did what any rational person would do. I applied for management roles — a step up and natural progression from my development team lead job. I tried to convince myself that this is what I wanted and perhaps a part of me wants the stability and predictability of paid and full time income.
But then another part of me cried no, don’t do it, it’s a trap.
And perhaps it is.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to start my up my own gig. I remember sitting down in my mother’s work room and discussing possible career choices with her. She told me “don’t do it…it’s a horrible job.”
I listened and internalized, settling on hotel manager at the time because it had a decent paycheck — according to the internet.
I was 14. When I told my friends, they were confused and not convinced.
Since that day I’ve sabotaged myself from ever doing something about my inner calling, sporadically starting things here and there without putting proper effort into them.
As a result, I got a few hundred here and there but not enough to convince my mother that it was a livable income.
And that was the thing — I was too busy trying to prove to her whilst listening to her at the same time. It was an internal conflict that I never truly resolved.
Some days I think back about that particular day and wished she had encouraged me instead or not said anything at all. But I can only blame so much of the past for my present and future decisions.
So this is the night before Day 1. I’m not sure yet what exactly I’m going to do except I’m definitely going to do something and be that something I know I am capable of being.